Kirk: Spock, where the hell’s the power you promised?Spock: One damn minute, Admiral.
-Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
Picard: Come back! Make a difference!Kirk: I take it the odds are against us and the situation’s grim.Picard: You could say that.Kirk: If Spock were here, he’d say that I was an irrational, illlogical human being for going on a mission like this... Sounds like fun!
-Star Trek: Generations
Rumors of my assimilation are greatly exaggerated.
-Captain Picard, Star Trek: First Contact
Assimilate this!
-Worf, Star Trek: First Contact
Believing oneself to be perfect is often the sign of a delusional mind.
-Data, to Borg Queen, Star Trek: First Contact
Data: She [the Borg Queen] brought me closer to humanity than I ever thought possible. And for a time, I was tempted by her offer.Picard: How long a time?Data: Zero point six-eight seconds, sir... For an android, that is nearly an eternity.
-Star Trek: First Contact
All I have to worry about are the Klingons, the Dominion, and the Maquis. I feel like I’m on vacation.
-Benjamin Sisko, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “Accession”
“See Brok acquire. Acquire, Brok, acquire!”
-Quark, on the children’s books he used to read Nog, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “Accession”
Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.
-Spock, Star Trek, "Errand Of Mercy"
The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.
-Garak, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner.
-Gowron, Klingon proverb, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Dr. Roger Corby: Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate?... Kirk: It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment—the other side of the coin.
-Star Trek, "What are Little Girls Made Of?"
We have them just where they want us.
-Captain Kirk
Geordi: Data... I made that joke seven years ago.Data: I know! I just got it!
-Star Trek: Generations
With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably.
-Captain Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "The Drumhead"
If there's nothing wrong with me...maybe there's something wrong with the universe!
-Beverly Crusher, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Remember Me"
Dr. Crusher: Computer, what is the nature of the universe?Computer: The universe is a spheroid region, 705 meters in diameter.
-Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Remember Me"
I am NOT a merry man!!!
-Worf, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Q-Pid"
Dr. Crusher: He got turned into a spider and now he has a disease named after him.Counselor Troi: I'd better clear my calender for the next few weeks...
-on Lt. Barclay, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Genesis"
Kirk: Come on. Spock, why didn't you jump in? Spock: I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words. McCoy: It's a song, you green-blooded...Vulcan. You sing it. The words aren't important. What's important is that you have a good time singing it. Spock: Oh, I am sorry, Doctor. Were we having a good time? McCoy: God, I liked him better before he died.
-Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Spock: This is the new brig, Captain. It is escape-proof. Kirk: How do you know?Spock: The designers tested it using the most intelligent and resourceful person they could find. He failed to escape. Kirk: This person didn't by any chance have pointed ears and an unerring capacity for getting his shipmates into trouble, did he? Spock: He did have pointed ears.
-Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Second star to the right...and straight on 'til morning.
-James Kirk, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, quoting Sir James Barry (Peter Pan)
It was...fun...
-James Kirk, on life, Star Trek: Generations
Monday, April 13, 2009
Simpsons Quotes
I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.
-Abraham Simpson, “Homerpalooza”
Teen 1: Oh, great, here comes the cannon ball guy. He’s cool.Teen 2: Are you bein’ sarcastic, dude?Teen 1: I don’t even know anymore...
-The Simpsons, “Homerpalooza”
Lisa: Friends?... My only friends are grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Teen 1: So he goes like...Erin: Pssh. I can totally hear him going that.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Homer: Hmm... Somebody’s traveling light.Lisa: Meh, maybe you’re getting stronger.Homer: Well... I have been eating more.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Captain Tenille: Ahh, Simpson, you’re like the son I never had.Homer: And you’re like the father I never visit.
-The Simpsons, “Simpson Tide”
Space coyote: Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate. Homer: Where? Where? Space coyote: This is just your memory. I can’t give you any new information.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”
Bart: Hey, look, is that Dad?Lisa: Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”
Krusty Home Pregnancy TestWarning: May cause birth defects.
-The Simpsons, “I Love Lisa”
Bart: I want to go with you, Dad. Homer: Don’t you have school? Bart: Don’t you have work? Homer: Ah, touch?
-The Simpsons, “Maximum Homerdrive”
Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
-Principal Skinner, “Duffless”
Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he’s eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves!Mr. Burns: Hmph. Peter Graves couldn’t find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.
-The Simpsons, “Monty Can’t Buy Me Love”
All this yelling is taking away my horny.
-Russian model in Moe’s bar, “Homer the Moe”
Homer: Waitaminit waitaminit wait a minute... Lisa honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?Lisa: No!Homer: Ham?Lisa: No!Homer: Pork chops!?Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, maaagical animal.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed.
-Marge Simpson
Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat anything you want, any time you want!Marge: And you’ll lose weight?Dr. Nick: Uhh, you might! It’s a free country!
-The Simpsons,
Look, Big Daddy, it’s regular Daddy!
-Ralph Wiggum, “The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase”
Cadet Larsen: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?
-The Simpsons, “The Secret War of Lisa Simpson”
Marge: Don’t let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn’t take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle? Whoopie ding-dong doo.Homer: Thanks for trying, but I’ll be at Moes.Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop dee doo. Who gives a bibble? Gabba-gabba hey.
-The Simpsons, “C.E.D’oh!”
Now a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is canceled.
-Mr. Burns, “C.E.D’oh!”
Homer: Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printers!Lisa (reading): “Come to Homer’s B.B.B.Q. The extra B is for B.Y.O.B.B.”Bart: What’s that extra B for?Homer: That’s a typo.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
This is so weird! It’s like something out of Dickens...or Melrose Place.
-Lisa Simpson, “Mother Simpson”, upon meeting Homer’s mother
Skinner: Ahh, head-lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private cootie call.Ms. Krabappel: Oh, you talk to much. Let’s do it on Martin’s desk.Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. Dignity”
So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my head. It was like a whole different kind of cheating!
-Bart Simpson, “Homer vs. Dignity”
Lisa: Hi, Mr. Flanders, I see you’re reading the paper.Flanders: Everything but the opinions page. I don’t need to be told what to think...by anyone living.
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”
Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the universe, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every 7 years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.Groundskeeper Willie: You cannot do that, sir. You don’t have the power!
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”
Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign... Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign... Thy will be done.
-Homer Simpson
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”
Marge: I’m not gonna live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!Homer: Don’t be so stubborn!
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror I”
Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate!
-Lisa Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”
Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?Homer: Me!? I'm going to drink a lot of beer and stay out aaaall night!
-The Simpsons, “The Way We Was”
Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?Homer: No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know...
-The Simpsons, “When Flanders Failed”
I used to think Marge was too good for me. She was always trying to change me. But then, part of her died, and so she stopped trying.
-Homer Simpson, “A Star is Born-Again”
Chief Wiggum: Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you.Sarah: Oh, Clancy!Chief: You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. I was so shy...
-The Simpsons, “A Star is Born-Again”
Attention, workers: we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order:Simpson, Homer.That is all.
-Horst, “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk”
Lisa: I feel like I’m gonna die, Bart.Bart: We’re all going to die, Lise.Lisa: I meant soon.Bart: So did I...
-The Simpsons, “Kamp Krusty”
First you didn’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back—make up your mind!
-Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s Pony”
Hypnotist: You are all very good players.Team: We are all very good players.Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville! Team: We will beat Shelbyville.Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent!Team: That’s impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
-The Simpsons, “Homer At the Bat”
Just think—with that lottery money, we could buy history books that know how the Korean War came out, math books without that base-6 crap, and a state-of-the-art detention hall where the children are held in place with magnets.
-Principal Skinner, “Dog of Death”
No, you got the wrong number, this is 9-1-...2.
-Chief Wiggum, “Dog of Death”, when someone calls the police station during the lottery drawing
Marge, I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically...we become a family of traveling acrobats.
-Homer Simpson, “Dog of Death”
Homer: He might have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy.Marge: What’s that?Homer: .....A dinosaur.
-The Simpsons, “Dog of Death”
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven’t had a single fire.
-The Simpsons, “Bart’s Dog Gets an F”
Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is “How To Increase Your Word Power.” That thing is really, really, really... good.
-Homer Simpson, “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington”, to the Reader’s Digest lady
Question 60: I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.
-Miss Hoover, “Separate Vocations”, reading the class the career-preference test
I warned ya! Didn’t I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
-Groundskeeper Willie, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
Bart: Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart?Lisa: No.Bart: How about Methodist?Lisa: NOOO!...Bart: Hey, how about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching!
-The Simpsons, “She of Little Faith”
Bart: Memo to self: Lock door.Lisa: All right, I’ll go, you don’t have to be a jerk about it.Bart: Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
-The Simpsons, “Brother’s Little Helper”
Dr. Hibbert: Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.Homer: Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.Dr. Hibbert: Well, I don’t want to pry into your personal life...Homer: Then don’t.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
Homer: Hey, I thought you never talked.Teller: Uh, I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. Oh, God, now Penn’s going to beat me.Penn: Folks, it’s all part of the act!Teller: No it isn’t! Don’t leave me alone with him!Penn: You’ve ruined the act! I’m going to kill you!Teller: He’ll do it! I’m not the first Teller.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
There is no escape from the Fortress of the Mo-o-ollles!... Oh, except that.
-Hans Moleman, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
See that ship over there? They’re re-broadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent—or so the legend goes.
-Homer Simpson
Lisa: But my parents are counting on seeing me dance! And I’ve worked ever so hard.Vicki: I’m sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they’re clearly not equal is called what, again, class?Class: Communism!Vicki: That’s right. And I didn’t tap all those Morse-code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.
-The Simpsons, “Last Tap Dance In Springfield”
You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.
-Marge Simpson, “Lisa’s Wedding”
Lisa: Wow, now that I’ve seen this, isn’t there any way to avoid it?Fortune teller: No, but try to look surprised.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Wedding”
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can’t fly.Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena.
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror X”
Homer: Marge, we’re going out! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!Marge: Okay!...
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”
You know, I’ve had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippy, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
-Homer Simpson, “Poppa’s Got a Brand-New Badge”
The whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time.
-Homer Simpson, “Bart’s Comet”
House of Evil clerk: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse.Homer: That’s bad.Clerk: But it comes with a free frogurt!Homer: That’s good!Clerk: The frogurt is also cursed.Homer: That’s bad.Clerk: But it comes with your choice of free toppings!Homer: That’s good!Clerk: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Several seconds of silence...] That’s bad.Homer: Can I go now?
-The Simpsons, "
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Realease the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
-Homer Simpson
Homer: Mmmmmm... Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four (chews)... Sixty-three (chews)... [cut to much later] Two (chewing slowly)... One...Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?Homer: I think I’m blind...
-The Simpsons, “Rosebud”
Homer: Oh! Look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!...... Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.Marge: Well, duuhh.
-The Simpsons, “Flaming Moe’s”
No, Lisa, the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him “Gamblor,” and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
-Homer Simpson, “$pringfield”
Joe’s Crematorium, you kill ’em, we grill ’em.
-Bart Simpson, answering the phone
Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.Marge: Is that bad?Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog...Marge: You did?Hutz: Well, replace the word “kinda” with the word “repeatedly”, and the word “dog” with “son”.
-The Simpsons
Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.Homer’s brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they’ll think you’re stupid.Homer: Takes one to know one.Homer’s brain: Swish!
Flanders: Homer, God didn’t set your house on fire.Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian [camera pans to Flanders], Jew [Krusty], or...miscellaneous [Apu].Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.Lovejoy: Aw, that’s super.
-The Simpsons, “Homer the Heretic”
Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call heaven. There’s an angel missing!Bart: And who’s your little school friend? Wait a minute... That’s Mom!Marge: I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight![Bart and Homer high-five]Bart: Dad, do you know anything else about women?Homer: Nope, that’s it.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Beauty Queen”
Chief Wiggum: That’s nice work with the bag-zooka, Lou.Lou: Gotta love what you do, Chief.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”
I’m a level-5 vegan. I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.
-Jesse Grass, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”
Marge: Kids, why don’t you write a complaint letter? That’s how I got the Channel 6 weather girl to start wearing a bra.Homer: That was you?!Bart: A letter, huh? Okay Lis—get this down. Dear Randall Curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely...Lisa: I’ll write the letter.Homer: Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather!
-The Simpsons, on the crappy “Cosmic Wars” movie, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
Kids, while we’re out, the TV’s in charge. Go to bed when it says.
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
I’m in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldn’t listen to myself. I’m drunk!
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
Why did I take so much punishment? Let’s just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
-Homer Simpson, “Behind the Laughter”
But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
-Jim Forbes, the narrator, “Behind the Laughter”
I was saving sugar for my wedding night!
-Todd Flanders, “The Fat and the Furriest”
See all that stuff in there, Homer? That’s why your robot never worked.
-Marge Simpson, on an Itchy robot, “Itchy and Scratchy Land”
Marge, can you set the oven to “cold”?
-Homer Simpson, after their refrigerator, being used as an air conditioner, burns out
Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked... Aww, come on, continue... C’mon, awwww... Alright, Lou, open fire.
-Chief Wiggum
I know Weinstein’s parents were upset, Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up, “Yom Kip-pur.”
-Principal Skinner
Marge: This house stinks! You’re not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?Homer: Do you have a better idea?
-The Simpsons, “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds”
Bart: You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.[The message is passed by about 10 people...]Guy: Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher!
-The Simpsons, “The PTA Disbands”
Homer: Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!Shelby’s Dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look!Homer: Stupider like a FOX!
-The Simpsons, “Lemon of Troy”
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”
Springfield will have its first annual “Do What You Feel” festival this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up. It will be a welcome change to our “Do As We Say” festival, started by German settlers in 1946.
-Kent Brockman, “Bart’s Inner Child”
Here are your messages. You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer the Smithers”
Bart: There’s a box you can sleep in. Just move that cot out of the way.Chester: Okay.Bart: Do you know what radon is?Chester: No.Bart: G’night.
-The Simpsons, “The Day Violence Died”
Mom, there’s a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad’s upstairs.
-Lisa Simpson, “The Day Violence Died”
Ms. Krabappel: “Embiggens”? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.Ms. Hoover: I don’t know why. It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Iconoclast”
Charles Bronson–like boy: Hey, ma. How about some cookies?Charles Bronson–like mom: No dice.Boy: This ain’t over.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”
Chief Wiggum: You know, it’s kinda ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.Lou: Makes you think, eh, chief?Chief Wiggum: Not really.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”
Bart: Come on, Chief, it was just a prank! Would some flatware make things right?Wiggum: Um, what does it say on my badge? “Cash bribes only”! Lets go.
-The Simpsons, “The Wandering Juvie”
Homer: Bart, son, do you want to play catch?Bart: No.Homer: Oh, when a boy doesn’t wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong!Abe: I’ll play catch with you, son!Homer: Get the hell out!
-The Simpsons
Todd: Are you jealous of brother Homer, Daddy?Flanders: Eh, maybe just a tad.Rod: I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses!
-The Simpsons, "'Tis the Fifteenth Season"
Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa's Rival"
Cecil: I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.Sideshow Bob: Well, obviously.
-The Simpsons, "Brother From Another Series"
Oh, pardon me, Santos—if that is your real name, Bart Simpson—but your phony credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants, and split.
-Comic Book Guy, "The Canine Mutiny"
[Reading] "Order by phone. 1-800..." Our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless...
-Bart Simpson, "The Canine Mutiny"
Remember when he ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
-Milhouse, on Santa's Little Helper, "The Canine Mutiny"
Willy: Yeah, I bought your little mutt.... And I 'ate him. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'. So I geeeve him to the churchBart: Ohhhh, you hate him so you gave him to the church?Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on the rug... You heard me!
-The Simpsons, "The Canine Mutiny"
Now, in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
-Krusty the Clown, "'Tis The Fifteenth Season"
Bum: Well, there are six schools of begging. Bad musician, messed up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zelot, and crazy guy. I think you would do well with crazy guy.Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! [gibberish]Bum: Wow, now, that is good crazy!
-The Simpsons, "Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore"
What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them—as is my understanding...
-Bart Simpson
Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?Marge: [voiceover] I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.Kang: Look behind you.[Marge looks, and Kang quickly uses a ray gun to beam something on her.]Kang: Insemination complete. [His helmet snaps back into place.]Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick.Kang: What are you implying?Marge: Nothing, nothing.
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror IX"
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?Principal Skinner: No, Mother!Agnes: You sissy!
-The Simpsons, "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"
English side ruined... Must use French instructions... "Le grill"?! What the hell is that?!
-Homer Simpson, "Mom and Pop Art"
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me—so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson
Fire can be our friend, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.
-Principal Skinner, "Brother's Little Helper"
Good morning, class. A certain agitator—for privacy's sake, lets call her "Lisa S."... No, that's too obvious. Uhh, let's say "L. Simpson"—has raised concerns about certain school policies...
-Principal Skinner, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup.Marge: Ahh, please pass your father the syrup, LisaLisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.Bart: You dunking your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy?Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.Marge: Tell him yourself; you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.Homer: Bart, go to your room!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church. Or synagogue...
-Mr. Burns, "The Old Man and the Lisa"
Hello, Vegas? Give me a hundred bucks on red.... D'oh! Oh, okay, I'll send you a check.
-Homer Simpson
Homer: Yes, son, you can have an electric guitar just like your old man.Bart: Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.Homer: Gig, son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.
-The Simpsons
Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life.
-The Simpsons, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"
Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
-Homer Simpson, "Team Homer"
Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked away down there.
-Homer Simpson, "The PTA Disbands"
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
-Homer Simpson, "Bart the Genius"
Homer: What do you think Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV And No Beer Make Homer... something something".Marge: "Go crazy"?Homer: Don't mind if I do! [insane gibberish]
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror V"
Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?Homer: Yeah, but faster!
-The Simpsons, "Homer to the Max"
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
-The Simpsons, "Burns' Heir"
I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice. See, there it is. But that was just a practice. The system works!
-Homer Simpson, "Little Big Mom"
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called..."The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down".
-Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Files"
The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... That was our planet! You maniacs!...You blew it up!... Damn you!... Damn you all to hell! [sobs]
-Homer Simpson, "Deep Space Homer"
Marge: I don't want you stalking people!Homer: Fine, have it your own way. Now, I'll be back in a minute. I'm...going outside...to...stalk...Lenny and Carl... D'oh!
-The Simpsons, "Homer the Great"
Skinner: You wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?
-The Simpsons, "The Crepes of Wrath"
Homer: Bart, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.Bart: That's okay, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
-The Simpsons, "Like Father Like Clown"
Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
-Bart Simpson, "The Day the Violence Died"
Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
-Bart Simpson, saying grace, "Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes On Every Fish"
Can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
-Chief Wiggum, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
A-B-C-D-E-F-G... [long pause] How I wonder what you are...
-Ralph Wiggum
Homer: D'oh!Lisa: A deer!Marge: A female deer!
-The Simpsons, "Bart Gets an Elephant"
Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.
-Marge Simpson, "Home Away From Homer"
Jebediah Springfield [in video]: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.Ms. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Iconoclast"
-Abraham Simpson, “Homerpalooza”
Teen 1: Oh, great, here comes the cannon ball guy. He’s cool.Teen 2: Are you bein’ sarcastic, dude?Teen 1: I don’t even know anymore...
-The Simpsons, “Homerpalooza”
Lisa: Friends?... My only friends are grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Teen 1: So he goes like...Erin: Pssh. I can totally hear him going that.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Homer: Hmm... Somebody’s traveling light.Lisa: Meh, maybe you’re getting stronger.Homer: Well... I have been eating more.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Captain Tenille: Ahh, Simpson, you’re like the son I never had.Homer: And you’re like the father I never visit.
-The Simpsons, “Simpson Tide”
Space coyote: Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate. Homer: Where? Where? Space coyote: This is just your memory. I can’t give you any new information.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”
Bart: Hey, look, is that Dad?Lisa: Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”
Krusty Home Pregnancy TestWarning: May cause birth defects.
-The Simpsons, “I Love Lisa”
Bart: I want to go with you, Dad. Homer: Don’t you have school? Bart: Don’t you have work? Homer: Ah, touch?
-The Simpsons, “Maximum Homerdrive”
Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
-Principal Skinner, “Duffless”
Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he’s eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves!Mr. Burns: Hmph. Peter Graves couldn’t find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.
-The Simpsons, “Monty Can’t Buy Me Love”
All this yelling is taking away my horny.
-Russian model in Moe’s bar, “Homer the Moe”
Homer: Waitaminit waitaminit wait a minute... Lisa honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?Lisa: No!Homer: Ham?Lisa: No!Homer: Pork chops!?Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, maaagical animal.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed.
-Marge Simpson
Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat anything you want, any time you want!Marge: And you’ll lose weight?Dr. Nick: Uhh, you might! It’s a free country!
-The Simpsons,
Look, Big Daddy, it’s regular Daddy!
-Ralph Wiggum, “The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase”
Cadet Larsen: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?
-The Simpsons, “The Secret War of Lisa Simpson”
Marge: Don’t let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn’t take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle? Whoopie ding-dong doo.Homer: Thanks for trying, but I’ll be at Moes.Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop dee doo. Who gives a bibble? Gabba-gabba hey.
-The Simpsons, “C.E.D’oh!”
Now a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is canceled.
-Mr. Burns, “C.E.D’oh!”
Homer: Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printers!Lisa (reading): “Come to Homer’s B.B.B.Q. The extra B is for B.Y.O.B.B.”Bart: What’s that extra B for?Homer: That’s a typo.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
This is so weird! It’s like something out of Dickens...or Melrose Place.
-Lisa Simpson, “Mother Simpson”, upon meeting Homer’s mother
Skinner: Ahh, head-lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private cootie call.Ms. Krabappel: Oh, you talk to much. Let’s do it on Martin’s desk.Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. Dignity”
So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my head. It was like a whole different kind of cheating!
-Bart Simpson, “Homer vs. Dignity”
Lisa: Hi, Mr. Flanders, I see you’re reading the paper.Flanders: Everything but the opinions page. I don’t need to be told what to think...by anyone living.
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”
Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the universe, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every 7 years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.Groundskeeper Willie: You cannot do that, sir. You don’t have the power!
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”
Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign... Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign... Thy will be done.
-Homer Simpson
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”
Marge: I’m not gonna live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!Homer: Don’t be so stubborn!
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror I”
Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate!
-Lisa Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”
Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?Homer: Me!? I'm going to drink a lot of beer and stay out aaaall night!
-The Simpsons, “The Way We Was”
Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?Homer: No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know...
-The Simpsons, “When Flanders Failed”
I used to think Marge was too good for me. She was always trying to change me. But then, part of her died, and so she stopped trying.
-Homer Simpson, “A Star is Born-Again”
Chief Wiggum: Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you.Sarah: Oh, Clancy!Chief: You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. I was so shy...
-The Simpsons, “A Star is Born-Again”
Attention, workers: we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order:Simpson, Homer.That is all.
-Horst, “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk”
Lisa: I feel like I’m gonna die, Bart.Bart: We’re all going to die, Lise.Lisa: I meant soon.Bart: So did I...
-The Simpsons, “Kamp Krusty”
First you didn’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back—make up your mind!
-Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s Pony”
Hypnotist: You are all very good players.Team: We are all very good players.Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville! Team: We will beat Shelbyville.Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent!Team: That’s impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
-The Simpsons, “Homer At the Bat”
Just think—with that lottery money, we could buy history books that know how the Korean War came out, math books without that base-6 crap, and a state-of-the-art detention hall where the children are held in place with magnets.
-Principal Skinner, “Dog of Death”
No, you got the wrong number, this is 9-1-...2.
-Chief Wiggum, “Dog of Death”, when someone calls the police station during the lottery drawing
Marge, I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically...we become a family of traveling acrobats.
-Homer Simpson, “Dog of Death”
Homer: He might have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy.Marge: What’s that?Homer: .....A dinosaur.
-The Simpsons, “Dog of Death”
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven’t had a single fire.
-The Simpsons, “Bart’s Dog Gets an F”
Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is “How To Increase Your Word Power.” That thing is really, really, really... good.
-Homer Simpson, “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington”, to the Reader’s Digest lady
Question 60: I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.
-Miss Hoover, “Separate Vocations”, reading the class the career-preference test
I warned ya! Didn’t I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
-Groundskeeper Willie, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
Bart: Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart?Lisa: No.Bart: How about Methodist?Lisa: NOOO!...Bart: Hey, how about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching!
-The Simpsons, “She of Little Faith”
Bart: Memo to self: Lock door.Lisa: All right, I’ll go, you don’t have to be a jerk about it.Bart: Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
-The Simpsons, “Brother’s Little Helper”
Dr. Hibbert: Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.Homer: Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.Dr. Hibbert: Well, I don’t want to pry into your personal life...Homer: Then don’t.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
Homer: Hey, I thought you never talked.Teller: Uh, I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. Oh, God, now Penn’s going to beat me.Penn: Folks, it’s all part of the act!Teller: No it isn’t! Don’t leave me alone with him!Penn: You’ve ruined the act! I’m going to kill you!Teller: He’ll do it! I’m not the first Teller.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
There is no escape from the Fortress of the Mo-o-ollles!... Oh, except that.
-Hans Moleman, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
See that ship over there? They’re re-broadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent—or so the legend goes.
-Homer Simpson
Lisa: But my parents are counting on seeing me dance! And I’ve worked ever so hard.Vicki: I’m sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they’re clearly not equal is called what, again, class?Class: Communism!Vicki: That’s right. And I didn’t tap all those Morse-code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.
-The Simpsons, “Last Tap Dance In Springfield”
You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.
-Marge Simpson, “Lisa’s Wedding”
Lisa: Wow, now that I’ve seen this, isn’t there any way to avoid it?Fortune teller: No, but try to look surprised.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Wedding”
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can’t fly.Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena.
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror X”
Homer: Marge, we’re going out! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!Marge: Okay!...
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”
You know, I’ve had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippy, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
-Homer Simpson, “Poppa’s Got a Brand-New Badge”
The whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time.
-Homer Simpson, “Bart’s Comet”
House of Evil clerk: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse.Homer: That’s bad.Clerk: But it comes with a free frogurt!Homer: That’s good!Clerk: The frogurt is also cursed.Homer: That’s bad.Clerk: But it comes with your choice of free toppings!Homer: That’s good!Clerk: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Several seconds of silence...] That’s bad.Homer: Can I go now?
-The Simpsons, "
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Realease the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
-Homer Simpson
Homer: Mmmmmm... Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four (chews)... Sixty-three (chews)... [cut to much later] Two (chewing slowly)... One...Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?Homer: I think I’m blind...
-The Simpsons, “Rosebud”
Homer: Oh! Look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!...... Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.Marge: Well, duuhh.
-The Simpsons, “Flaming Moe’s”
No, Lisa, the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him “Gamblor,” and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
-Homer Simpson, “$pringfield”
Joe’s Crematorium, you kill ’em, we grill ’em.
-Bart Simpson, answering the phone
Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.Marge: Is that bad?Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog...Marge: You did?Hutz: Well, replace the word “kinda” with the word “repeatedly”, and the word “dog” with “son”.
-The Simpsons
Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.Homer’s brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they’ll think you’re stupid.Homer: Takes one to know one.Homer’s brain: Swish!
Flanders: Homer, God didn’t set your house on fire.Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian [camera pans to Flanders], Jew [Krusty], or...miscellaneous [Apu].Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.Lovejoy: Aw, that’s super.
-The Simpsons, “Homer the Heretic”
Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call heaven. There’s an angel missing!Bart: And who’s your little school friend? Wait a minute... That’s Mom!Marge: I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight![Bart and Homer high-five]Bart: Dad, do you know anything else about women?Homer: Nope, that’s it.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Beauty Queen”
Chief Wiggum: That’s nice work with the bag-zooka, Lou.Lou: Gotta love what you do, Chief.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”
I’m a level-5 vegan. I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.
-Jesse Grass, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”
Marge: Kids, why don’t you write a complaint letter? That’s how I got the Channel 6 weather girl to start wearing a bra.Homer: That was you?!Bart: A letter, huh? Okay Lis—get this down. Dear Randall Curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely...Lisa: I’ll write the letter.Homer: Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather!
-The Simpsons, on the crappy “Cosmic Wars” movie, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
Kids, while we’re out, the TV’s in charge. Go to bed when it says.
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
I’m in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldn’t listen to myself. I’m drunk!
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
Why did I take so much punishment? Let’s just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
-Homer Simpson, “Behind the Laughter”
But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
-Jim Forbes, the narrator, “Behind the Laughter”
I was saving sugar for my wedding night!
-Todd Flanders, “The Fat and the Furriest”
See all that stuff in there, Homer? That’s why your robot never worked.
-Marge Simpson, on an Itchy robot, “Itchy and Scratchy Land”
Marge, can you set the oven to “cold”?
-Homer Simpson, after their refrigerator, being used as an air conditioner, burns out
Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked... Aww, come on, continue... C’mon, awwww... Alright, Lou, open fire.
-Chief Wiggum
I know Weinstein’s parents were upset, Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up, “Yom Kip-pur.”
-Principal Skinner
Marge: This house stinks! You’re not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?Homer: Do you have a better idea?
-The Simpsons, “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds”
Bart: You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.[The message is passed by about 10 people...]Guy: Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher!
-The Simpsons, “The PTA Disbands”
Homer: Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!Shelby’s Dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look!Homer: Stupider like a FOX!
-The Simpsons, “Lemon of Troy”
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”
Springfield will have its first annual “Do What You Feel” festival this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up. It will be a welcome change to our “Do As We Say” festival, started by German settlers in 1946.
-Kent Brockman, “Bart’s Inner Child”
Here are your messages. You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer the Smithers”
Bart: There’s a box you can sleep in. Just move that cot out of the way.Chester: Okay.Bart: Do you know what radon is?Chester: No.Bart: G’night.
-The Simpsons, “The Day Violence Died”
Mom, there’s a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad’s upstairs.
-Lisa Simpson, “The Day Violence Died”
Ms. Krabappel: “Embiggens”? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.Ms. Hoover: I don’t know why. It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Iconoclast”
Charles Bronson–like boy: Hey, ma. How about some cookies?Charles Bronson–like mom: No dice.Boy: This ain’t over.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”
Chief Wiggum: You know, it’s kinda ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.Lou: Makes you think, eh, chief?Chief Wiggum: Not really.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”
Bart: Come on, Chief, it was just a prank! Would some flatware make things right?Wiggum: Um, what does it say on my badge? “Cash bribes only”! Lets go.
-The Simpsons, “The Wandering Juvie”
Homer: Bart, son, do you want to play catch?Bart: No.Homer: Oh, when a boy doesn’t wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong!Abe: I’ll play catch with you, son!Homer: Get the hell out!
-The Simpsons
Todd: Are you jealous of brother Homer, Daddy?Flanders: Eh, maybe just a tad.Rod: I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses!
-The Simpsons, "'Tis the Fifteenth Season"
Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa's Rival"
Cecil: I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.Sideshow Bob: Well, obviously.
-The Simpsons, "Brother From Another Series"
Oh, pardon me, Santos—if that is your real name, Bart Simpson—but your phony credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants, and split.
-Comic Book Guy, "The Canine Mutiny"
[Reading] "Order by phone. 1-800..." Our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless...
-Bart Simpson, "The Canine Mutiny"
Remember when he ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
-Milhouse, on Santa's Little Helper, "The Canine Mutiny"
Willy: Yeah, I bought your little mutt.... And I 'ate him. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'. So I geeeve him to the churchBart: Ohhhh, you hate him so you gave him to the church?Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on the rug... You heard me!
-The Simpsons, "The Canine Mutiny"
Now, in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
-Krusty the Clown, "'Tis The Fifteenth Season"
Bum: Well, there are six schools of begging. Bad musician, messed up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zelot, and crazy guy. I think you would do well with crazy guy.Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! [gibberish]Bum: Wow, now, that is good crazy!
-The Simpsons, "Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore"
What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them—as is my understanding...
-Bart Simpson
Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?Marge: [voiceover] I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.Kang: Look behind you.[Marge looks, and Kang quickly uses a ray gun to beam something on her.]Kang: Insemination complete. [His helmet snaps back into place.]Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick.Kang: What are you implying?Marge: Nothing, nothing.
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror IX"
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?Principal Skinner: No, Mother!Agnes: You sissy!
-The Simpsons, "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"
English side ruined... Must use French instructions... "Le grill"?! What the hell is that?!
-Homer Simpson, "Mom and Pop Art"
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me—so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson
Fire can be our friend, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.
-Principal Skinner, "Brother's Little Helper"
Good morning, class. A certain agitator—for privacy's sake, lets call her "Lisa S."... No, that's too obvious. Uhh, let's say "L. Simpson"—has raised concerns about certain school policies...
-Principal Skinner, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup.Marge: Ahh, please pass your father the syrup, LisaLisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.Bart: You dunking your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy?Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.Marge: Tell him yourself; you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.Homer: Bart, go to your room!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church. Or synagogue...
-Mr. Burns, "The Old Man and the Lisa"
Hello, Vegas? Give me a hundred bucks on red.... D'oh! Oh, okay, I'll send you a check.
-Homer Simpson
Homer: Yes, son, you can have an electric guitar just like your old man.Bart: Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.Homer: Gig, son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.
-The Simpsons
Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life.
-The Simpsons, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"
Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
-Homer Simpson, "Team Homer"
Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked away down there.
-Homer Simpson, "The PTA Disbands"
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
-Homer Simpson, "Bart the Genius"
Homer: What do you think Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV And No Beer Make Homer... something something".Marge: "Go crazy"?Homer: Don't mind if I do! [insane gibberish]
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror V"
Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?Homer: Yeah, but faster!
-The Simpsons, "Homer to the Max"
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
-The Simpsons, "Burns' Heir"
I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice. See, there it is. But that was just a practice. The system works!
-Homer Simpson, "Little Big Mom"
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called..."The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down".
-Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Files"
The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... That was our planet! You maniacs!...You blew it up!... Damn you!... Damn you all to hell! [sobs]
-Homer Simpson, "Deep Space Homer"
Marge: I don't want you stalking people!Homer: Fine, have it your own way. Now, I'll be back in a minute. I'm...going outside...to...stalk...Lenny and Carl... D'oh!
-The Simpsons, "Homer the Great"
Skinner: You wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?
-The Simpsons, "The Crepes of Wrath"
Homer: Bart, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.Bart: That's okay, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
-The Simpsons, "Like Father Like Clown"
Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
-Bart Simpson, "The Day the Violence Died"
Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
-Bart Simpson, saying grace, "Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes On Every Fish"
Can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
-Chief Wiggum, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
A-B-C-D-E-F-G... [long pause] How I wonder what you are...
-Ralph Wiggum
Homer: D'oh!Lisa: A deer!Marge: A female deer!
-The Simpsons, "Bart Gets an Elephant"
Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.
-Marge Simpson, "Home Away From Homer"
Jebediah Springfield [in video]: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.Ms. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Iconoclast"
Family Guy Quotes
All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die.
-Peter Griffin, “Viewer Mail #1”
Day 171: I’ve sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, I’m up to 11.
-Baby Stewie, Family Guy, “Chitty Chitty Death Bang”
I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!
-Stewie Griffin
Dear McGyver: Enclosed is a paper clip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please save our dog.
-Peter Griffin
You know, I rather like this God fellow. He’s very theatrical. A little pestilence here, a plague there... Omnipotence...got to get me some of that.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
-Hey, Phil, what do you say to happy hour after work?-I say Sheryl’s gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbors!
-Family Guy
I will not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans! You shall rue this day!... Well, go on, start ruing!
-Stewie, Family Guy, “Mind Over Murder”
Lois: Come on, Stewie, you know you can’t leave the table until you finish your vegetables.Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you’ve got a good forty years on me, woman.Lois: Sweetie, it’s broccoli, it’s good for you. Now, open up for the airplane...Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!
-Family Guy, “I Never Met the Dead Man”
Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, “Oooooo.”Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
-Family Guy, “The Son Also Draws”
Peter: I’ll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t...nothing?Peter: Oh, yeah...
-Family Guy, “If I’m Dyin’ I’m Lyin’”
There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “Fifteen Minutes of Shame”
Dear diary: Jackpot.
-Glen Quagmire, Family Guy, on seeing a cheerleader tied up in a locker room,
Chris: Hey, little dude, you want some ice cream?Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall KILL you...
Counselor: I’d like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.Peter: Wow, just like that show “Big Brother”...except somebody’ll be watching.
-Family Guy, “Stuck Together, Torn Apart”
Lois: Good, I don’t have to cook.Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we’ll throw it out. I don’t want you to get rusty.
-Family Guy, “From Method to Madness”
Peter: Can’t we tell them that your mother died?Lois: Peter, I’m not gonna lie about something like that.Peter: All right, all right, I’ll kill your mother.
-Family Guy, “A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas”
Lois: Peter, why would they make you president?Peter: Maybe it’s because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second...RARF!Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
-Family Guy
And Joe, I’ve had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you’re half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can’t even measure.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “Love Thy Trophy”
Quagmire: Hey there, Gorgeous, how old are you? Connie: Sixteen. Quagmire: Eighteen? Connie: Mom! Quagmire: I Like where this is goin’!
-Family Guy, “And the Weiner Is...”
Hey, Mother! I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint: it’s in my diaper, and it’s not a toaster.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar”
Guns don’t kill people; dangerous minorities do.
-Gun-rights advocate, Family Guy, “And the Weiner Is...”
I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You’re my silver medal.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “Let’s Go to the Hop”
What’s this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G—... Oh, that’s better than sex!
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “Love Thy Trophy”
Brian: Peter, are you sure? You’ve never had much luck telling jokes. [Flashback to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]Peter: Okay, okay. How many dirty stinkin’ apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?... Three: One dirty stinkin’ ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin’ apes to throw feces at each other! Hehehehehehe...
-Family Guy, “
Hey, Meg, you eighteen yet?
-Glen Quagmire
Stewie: What the hell is this?Lois: Sweetie, that’s tuna salad.Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
-Family Guy,
Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “I Never Met the Dead Man” (Damn straight!)
Peter: What the hell is he talking about? Englishman: Oh, it’s Cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn’t whipped his bails off, of course. Peter: Anybody get that? Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that “fag” means “cigarette.” Peter: Well, someone tell this “cigarette” to shut up.
-Family Guy
Tonight there’s a new reality show on Fox: “Fast Animals, Slow Children.”
-Peter Griffin
When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah...ow. Oh, now I don’t know math.
-Chris Griffin, Family Guy, “The Kiss Seen ’Round the World”
Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?Adam West: How do you know my language?
-Family Guy, “The Story on Page 1”
Police blotter: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?
-Family Guy
Stewie: I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn’t yet cut itself.Lois: Honey, I’ll be right there.Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I’ll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes half-way to bloody Boston!
-Family Guy, “Peter, Peter Caviar Eater”
I’m so hungry I could ride a horse. I don’t get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
-Chris Griffin, Family Guy, “Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”
I think the lesson here is, it really doesn’t matter where you’re from, as long as we’re all the same religion.
-Peter Griffin, “To Live and Die in Dixie”
Chris: Where do you think you go when you die?Sam: I learned in church that if you’re good you go to heaven, but if you’re bad you go to a place where the dead believe they’re still livin’ and they pray for death but death won’t come.Chris: UPN?
-Family Guy, “To Live and Die in Dixie”
Meg: Hey, Stewie! How do you like my new glasses?Stewie: Let me just put it this way—in an attic somewhere, there's a picture of you getting prettier.
-I'm pretty sure that's not the exact quote, so don't copy and paste this anywhhere
Peter: Holy crap, Brian, what am I going to do? Lois is gonna be home in a couple of days, and we're getting kicked outta the house tomorrow!Brian: What do you suggest?Peter: Get out your ring.Brian: Peter, that's not gonna—Peter: Come on!Both together: WonderTwin Powers...activate!Peter: Form of: Steam![pause]Brian: Peter, we got these in a box of Frankenberry.
-Family Guy
Peter as a child: Why did the dinosaurs die out?Tour guide: Because you touch yourseft at night.
-Family Guy
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es Brian... Nosotros queremos ir con Ustedes.. Uhhhh...Bellboy: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just "Me llamo Brian."Brian: Oh, oh, you speak English.Bellboy: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.Brian: You...you're kidding me, right?Bellboy: Qué?
-Family Guy
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me? Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party. Lois: And what did you do? Peter: Drank at the stag p—...Whoa, I almost walked into that one!
-Family Guy
Peter's voice on tape: Please leave the lights off, Lois. I dont want to be seen.Lois: I imagined you wouldn't after the way you acted a while ago.Peter's voice on tape: I thought you might say something like that.Lois: Anyway, I've convined Meg to go to the dance.Peter's voice on tape: Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson!Lois: But I wasn't—Peter's voice on tape: Oh, you would happen to bring that up Lois. Can't you leave the past where it belongs?Lois: Peter what's gotten into you—Peter's voice on tape: Because Ive already said it was a scavenger hunt.Lois: [pulls over bed sheets and see pillows and voice recorder] What the...?Peter's voice on tape: Lois, if you still haven't discovered I'm gone, please flip the tape over to side B.
-Family Guy
So, Broccolli, Mother says you're very good for me... Well, I'm afraid I'm NO GOOD FOR YOU! The first rule of war is Know Thine Enemy, and I know THIS: Cold KILLS broccolli! It's so simple! All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow: a few sprinkles of genius with A CHANCE OF DOOM!
-Stewie Griffin
Meg: How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.Lois: Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.Stewie: Yes, how delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and...jellybeans...and...stickers...
-Family Guy
As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"
Bonnie: I am the Vigin Mary—that's my story and I'm stciking to it. Ohh, our savior has arrived!Stewie. Good evening. I'm playing the role of Jesus, a man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on "Star Trek." Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins but not quite up to the task of seducing green women.
-Family Guy, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"
Tom Tucker: And here's where we produce our in-studio celebrity interviews. I just did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's almost impossible to book, but we got him. [Footage of him interviewing him]: So Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.Hoffman from The Graduate: Are you trying to seduce me, [dubbed-over voice] Mr. Tucker?Tom Tucker: [laughs] I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.Hoffman from Rain Man: Uh-oh. Twelve minutes to "Whapner."Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...Hoffman from Hook: Bring me Peter Pan!
-Family Guy, "The Kiss Seen 'Round the World"
Stewie: Aaagghh, my teeth! Stewie's incisor: I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor.Stewie's bicuspid: I think not.Incisor: (Gasp!) Bicuspid! We meet again.Bicuspid: Have at you! Incisor: En garde![They struggle to move near each other but don't budge.]Bicuspid: Well, shall we bite the tongue, then?Incisor: On three. One, two...Stewie: Aaahhh!!!
-Family Guy, "The Basement Bar"
-Peter Griffin, “Viewer Mail #1”
Day 171: I’ve sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, I’m up to 11.
-Baby Stewie, Family Guy, “Chitty Chitty Death Bang”
I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!
-Stewie Griffin
Dear McGyver: Enclosed is a paper clip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please save our dog.
-Peter Griffin
You know, I rather like this God fellow. He’s very theatrical. A little pestilence here, a plague there... Omnipotence...got to get me some of that.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
-Hey, Phil, what do you say to happy hour after work?-I say Sheryl’s gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbors!
-Family Guy
I will not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans! You shall rue this day!... Well, go on, start ruing!
-Stewie, Family Guy, “Mind Over Murder”
Lois: Come on, Stewie, you know you can’t leave the table until you finish your vegetables.Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you’ve got a good forty years on me, woman.Lois: Sweetie, it’s broccoli, it’s good for you. Now, open up for the airplane...Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!
-Family Guy, “I Never Met the Dead Man”
Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, “Oooooo.”Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
-Family Guy, “The Son Also Draws”
Peter: I’ll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t...nothing?Peter: Oh, yeah...
-Family Guy, “If I’m Dyin’ I’m Lyin’”
There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “Fifteen Minutes of Shame”
Dear diary: Jackpot.
-Glen Quagmire, Family Guy, on seeing a cheerleader tied up in a locker room,
Chris: Hey, little dude, you want some ice cream?Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall KILL you...
Counselor: I’d like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.Peter: Wow, just like that show “Big Brother”...except somebody’ll be watching.
-Family Guy, “Stuck Together, Torn Apart”
Lois: Good, I don’t have to cook.Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we’ll throw it out. I don’t want you to get rusty.
-Family Guy, “From Method to Madness”
Peter: Can’t we tell them that your mother died?Lois: Peter, I’m not gonna lie about something like that.Peter: All right, all right, I’ll kill your mother.
-Family Guy, “A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas”
Lois: Peter, why would they make you president?Peter: Maybe it’s because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second...RARF!Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
-Family Guy
And Joe, I’ve had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you’re half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can’t even measure.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “Love Thy Trophy”
Quagmire: Hey there, Gorgeous, how old are you? Connie: Sixteen. Quagmire: Eighteen? Connie: Mom! Quagmire: I Like where this is goin’!
-Family Guy, “And the Weiner Is...”
Hey, Mother! I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint: it’s in my diaper, and it’s not a toaster.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar”
Guns don’t kill people; dangerous minorities do.
-Gun-rights advocate, Family Guy, “And the Weiner Is...”
I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You’re my silver medal.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “Let’s Go to the Hop”
What’s this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G—... Oh, that’s better than sex!
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “Love Thy Trophy”
Brian: Peter, are you sure? You’ve never had much luck telling jokes. [Flashback to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]Peter: Okay, okay. How many dirty stinkin’ apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?... Three: One dirty stinkin’ ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin’ apes to throw feces at each other! Hehehehehehe...
-Family Guy, “
Hey, Meg, you eighteen yet?
-Glen Quagmire
Stewie: What the hell is this?Lois: Sweetie, that’s tuna salad.Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
-Family Guy,
Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “I Never Met the Dead Man” (Damn straight!)
Peter: What the hell is he talking about? Englishman: Oh, it’s Cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn’t whipped his bails off, of course. Peter: Anybody get that? Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that “fag” means “cigarette.” Peter: Well, someone tell this “cigarette” to shut up.
-Family Guy
Tonight there’s a new reality show on Fox: “Fast Animals, Slow Children.”
-Peter Griffin
When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah...ow. Oh, now I don’t know math.
-Chris Griffin, Family Guy, “The Kiss Seen ’Round the World”
Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?Adam West: How do you know my language?
-Family Guy, “The Story on Page 1”
Police blotter: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?
-Family Guy
Stewie: I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn’t yet cut itself.Lois: Honey, I’ll be right there.Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I’ll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes half-way to bloody Boston!
-Family Guy, “Peter, Peter Caviar Eater”
I’m so hungry I could ride a horse. I don’t get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
-Chris Griffin, Family Guy, “Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”
I think the lesson here is, it really doesn’t matter where you’re from, as long as we’re all the same religion.
-Peter Griffin, “To Live and Die in Dixie”
Chris: Where do you think you go when you die?Sam: I learned in church that if you’re good you go to heaven, but if you’re bad you go to a place where the dead believe they’re still livin’ and they pray for death but death won’t come.Chris: UPN?
-Family Guy, “To Live and Die in Dixie”
Meg: Hey, Stewie! How do you like my new glasses?Stewie: Let me just put it this way—in an attic somewhere, there's a picture of you getting prettier.
-I'm pretty sure that's not the exact quote, so don't copy and paste this anywhhere
Peter: Holy crap, Brian, what am I going to do? Lois is gonna be home in a couple of days, and we're getting kicked outta the house tomorrow!Brian: What do you suggest?Peter: Get out your ring.Brian: Peter, that's not gonna—Peter: Come on!Both together: WonderTwin Powers...activate!Peter: Form of: Steam![pause]Brian: Peter, we got these in a box of Frankenberry.
-Family Guy
Peter as a child: Why did the dinosaurs die out?Tour guide: Because you touch yourseft at night.
-Family Guy
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es Brian... Nosotros queremos ir con Ustedes.. Uhhhh...Bellboy: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just "Me llamo Brian."Brian: Oh, oh, you speak English.Bellboy: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.Brian: You...you're kidding me, right?Bellboy: Qué?
-Family Guy
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me? Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party. Lois: And what did you do? Peter: Drank at the stag p—...Whoa, I almost walked into that one!
-Family Guy
Peter's voice on tape: Please leave the lights off, Lois. I dont want to be seen.Lois: I imagined you wouldn't after the way you acted a while ago.Peter's voice on tape: I thought you might say something like that.Lois: Anyway, I've convined Meg to go to the dance.Peter's voice on tape: Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson!Lois: But I wasn't—Peter's voice on tape: Oh, you would happen to bring that up Lois. Can't you leave the past where it belongs?Lois: Peter what's gotten into you—Peter's voice on tape: Because Ive already said it was a scavenger hunt.Lois: [pulls over bed sheets and see pillows and voice recorder] What the...?Peter's voice on tape: Lois, if you still haven't discovered I'm gone, please flip the tape over to side B.
-Family Guy
So, Broccolli, Mother says you're very good for me... Well, I'm afraid I'm NO GOOD FOR YOU! The first rule of war is Know Thine Enemy, and I know THIS: Cold KILLS broccolli! It's so simple! All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow: a few sprinkles of genius with A CHANCE OF DOOM!
-Stewie Griffin
Meg: How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.Lois: Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.Stewie: Yes, how delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and...jellybeans...and...stickers...
-Family Guy
As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"
Bonnie: I am the Vigin Mary—that's my story and I'm stciking to it. Ohh, our savior has arrived!Stewie. Good evening. I'm playing the role of Jesus, a man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on "Star Trek." Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins but not quite up to the task of seducing green women.
-Family Guy, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"
Tom Tucker: And here's where we produce our in-studio celebrity interviews. I just did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's almost impossible to book, but we got him. [Footage of him interviewing him]: So Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.Hoffman from The Graduate: Are you trying to seduce me, [dubbed-over voice] Mr. Tucker?Tom Tucker: [laughs] I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.Hoffman from Rain Man: Uh-oh. Twelve minutes to "Whapner."Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...Hoffman from Hook: Bring me Peter Pan!
-Family Guy, "The Kiss Seen 'Round the World"
Stewie: Aaagghh, my teeth! Stewie's incisor: I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor.Stewie's bicuspid: I think not.Incisor: (Gasp!) Bicuspid! We meet again.Bicuspid: Have at you! Incisor: En garde![They struggle to move near each other but don't budge.]Bicuspid: Well, shall we bite the tongue, then?Incisor: On three. One, two...Stewie: Aaahhh!!!
-Family Guy, "The Basement Bar"
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