Simpsons Quotes

I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.
-Abraham Simpson, “Homerpalooza”
Teen 1: Oh, great, here comes the cannon ball guy. He’s cool.Teen 2: Are you bein’ sarcastic, dude?Teen 1: I don’t even know anymore...
-The Simpsons, “Homerpalooza”
Lisa: Friends?... My only friends are grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Teen 1: So he goes like...Erin: Pssh. I can totally hear him going that.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Homer: Hmm... Somebody’s traveling light.Lisa: Meh, maybe you’re getting stronger.Homer: Well... I have been eating more.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”
Captain Tenille: Ahh, Simpson, you’re like the son I never had.Homer: And you’re like the father I never visit.
-The Simpsons, “Simpson Tide”
Space coyote: Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate. Homer: Where? Where? Space coyote: This is just your memory. I can’t give you any new information.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”
Bart: Hey, look, is that Dad?Lisa: Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”
Krusty Home Pregnancy TestWarning: May cause birth defects.
-The Simpsons, “I Love Lisa”
Bart: I want to go with you, Dad. Homer: Don’t you have school? Bart: Don’t you have work? Homer: Ah, touch?
-The Simpsons, “Maximum Homerdrive”
Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
-Principal Skinner, “Duffless”
Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he’s eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves!Mr. Burns: Hmph. Peter Graves couldn’t find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.
-The Simpsons, “Monty Can’t Buy Me Love”
All this yelling is taking away my horny.
-Russian model in Moe’s bar, “Homer the Moe”
Homer: Waitaminit waitaminit wait a minute... Lisa honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?Lisa: No!Homer: Ham?Lisa: No!Homer: Pork chops!?Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, maaagical animal.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed.
-Marge Simpson
Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat anything you want, any time you want!Marge: And you’ll lose weight?Dr. Nick: Uhh, you might! It’s a free country!
-The Simpsons,
Look, Big Daddy, it’s regular Daddy!
-Ralph Wiggum, “The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase”
Cadet Larsen: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?
-The Simpsons, “The Secret War of Lisa Simpson”
Marge: Don’t let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn’t take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle? Whoopie ding-dong doo.Homer: Thanks for trying, but I’ll be at Moes.Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop dee doo. Who gives a bibble? Gabba-gabba hey.
-The Simpsons, “C.E.D’oh!”
Now a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is canceled.
-Mr. Burns, “C.E.D’oh!”
Homer: Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printers!Lisa (reading): “Come to Homer’s B.B.B.Q. The extra B is for B.Y.O.B.B.”Bart: What’s that extra B for?Homer: That’s a typo.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
This is so weird! It’s like something out of Dickens...or Melrose Place.
-Lisa Simpson, “Mother Simpson”, upon meeting Homer’s mother
Skinner: Ahh, head-lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private cootie call.Ms. Krabappel: Oh, you talk to much. Let’s do it on Martin’s desk.Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. Dignity”
So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my head. It was like a whole different kind of cheating!
-Bart Simpson, “Homer vs. Dignity”
Lisa: Hi, Mr. Flanders, I see you’re reading the paper.Flanders: Everything but the opinions page. I don’t need to be told what to think...by anyone living.
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”
Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the universe, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every 7 years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.Groundskeeper Willie: You cannot do that, sir. You don’t have the power!
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”
Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign... Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign... Thy will be done.
-Homer Simpson
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”
Marge: I’m not gonna live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!Homer: Don’t be so stubborn!
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror I”
Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate!
-Lisa Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”
Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?Homer: Me!? I'm going to drink a lot of beer and stay out aaaall night!
-The Simpsons, “The Way We Was”
Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?Homer: No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know...
-The Simpsons, “When Flanders Failed”
I used to think Marge was too good for me. She was always trying to change me. But then, part of her died, and so she stopped trying.
-Homer Simpson, “A Star is Born-Again”
Chief Wiggum: Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you.Sarah: Oh, Clancy!Chief: You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. I was so shy...
-The Simpsons, “A Star is Born-Again”
Attention, workers: we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order:Simpson, Homer.That is all.
-Horst, “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk”
Lisa: I feel like I’m gonna die, Bart.Bart: We’re all going to die, Lise.Lisa: I meant soon.Bart: So did I...
-The Simpsons, “Kamp Krusty”
First you didn’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back—make up your mind!
-Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s Pony”
Hypnotist: You are all very good players.Team: We are all very good players.Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville! Team: We will beat Shelbyville.Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent!Team: That’s impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
-The Simpsons, “Homer At the Bat”
Just think—with that lottery money, we could buy history books that know how the Korean War came out, math books without that base-6 crap, and a state-of-the-art detention hall where the children are held in place with magnets.
-Principal Skinner, “Dog of Death”
No, you got the wrong number, this is 9-1-...2.
-Chief Wiggum, “Dog of Death”, when someone calls the police station during the lottery drawing
Marge, I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically...we become a family of traveling acrobats.
-Homer Simpson, “Dog of Death”
Homer: He might have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy.Marge: What’s that?Homer: .....A dinosaur.
-The Simpsons, “Dog of Death”
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven’t had a single fire.
-The Simpsons, “Bart’s Dog Gets an F”
Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is “How To Increase Your Word Power.” That thing is really, really, really... good.
-Homer Simpson, “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington”, to the Reader’s Digest lady
Question 60: I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.
-Miss Hoover, “Separate Vocations”, reading the class the career-preference test
I warned ya! Didn’t I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
-Groundskeeper Willie, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
Bart: Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart?Lisa: No.Bart: How about Methodist?Lisa: NOOO!...Bart: Hey, how about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching!
-The Simpsons, “She of Little Faith”
Bart: Memo to self: Lock door.Lisa: All right, I’ll go, you don’t have to be a jerk about it.Bart: Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
-The Simpsons, “Brother’s Little Helper”
Dr. Hibbert: Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.Homer: Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.Dr. Hibbert: Well, I don’t want to pry into your personal life...Homer: Then don’t.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
Homer: Hey, I thought you never talked.Teller: Uh, I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. Oh, God, now Penn’s going to beat me.Penn: Folks, it’s all part of the act!Teller: No it isn’t! Don’t leave me alone with him!Penn: You’ve ruined the act! I’m going to kill you!Teller: He’ll do it! I’m not the first Teller.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
There is no escape from the Fortress of the Mo-o-ollles!... Oh, except that.
-Hans Moleman, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
See that ship over there? They’re re-broadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent—or so the legend goes.
-Homer Simpson
Lisa: But my parents are counting on seeing me dance! And I’ve worked ever so hard.Vicki: I’m sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they’re clearly not equal is called what, again, class?Class: Communism!Vicki: That’s right. And I didn’t tap all those Morse-code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.
-The Simpsons, “Last Tap Dance In Springfield”
You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.
-Marge Simpson, “Lisa’s Wedding”
Lisa: Wow, now that I’ve seen this, isn’t there any way to avoid it?Fortune teller: No, but try to look surprised.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Wedding”
Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can’t fly.Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena.
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror X”
Homer: Marge, we’re going out! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!Marge: Okay!...
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”
You know, I’ve had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippy, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
-Homer Simpson, “Poppa’s Got a Brand-New Badge”
The whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time.
-Homer Simpson, “Bart’s Comet”
House of Evil clerk: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse.Homer: That’s bad.Clerk: But it comes with a free frogurt!Homer: That’s good!Clerk: The frogurt is also cursed.Homer: That’s bad.Clerk: But it comes with your choice of free toppings!Homer: That’s good!Clerk: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Several seconds of silence...] That’s bad.Homer: Can I go now?
-The Simpsons, "
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Realease the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
-Homer Simpson
Homer: Mmmmmm... Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four (chews)... Sixty-three (chews)... [cut to much later] Two (chewing slowly)... One...Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?Homer: I think I’m blind...
-The Simpsons, “Rosebud”
Homer: Oh! Look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!...... Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.Marge: Well, duuhh.
-The Simpsons, “Flaming Moe’s”
No, Lisa, the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him “Gamblor,” and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
-Homer Simpson, “$pringfield”
Joe’s Crematorium, you kill ’em, we grill ’em.
-Bart Simpson, answering the phone
Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.Marge: Is that bad?Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog...Marge: You did?Hutz: Well, replace the word “kinda” with the word “repeatedly”, and the word “dog” with “son”.
-The Simpsons
Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.Homer’s brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they’ll think you’re stupid.Homer: Takes one to know one.Homer’s brain: Swish!
Flanders: Homer, God didn’t set your house on fire.Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian [camera pans to Flanders], Jew [Krusty], or...miscellaneous [Apu].Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.Lovejoy: Aw, that’s super.
-The Simpsons, “Homer the Heretic”
Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call heaven. There’s an angel missing!Bart: And who’s your little school friend? Wait a minute... That’s Mom!Marge: I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight![Bart and Homer high-five]Bart: Dad, do you know anything else about women?Homer: Nope, that’s it.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Beauty Queen”
Chief Wiggum: That’s nice work with the bag-zooka, Lou.Lou: Gotta love what you do, Chief.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”
I’m a level-5 vegan. I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.
-Jesse Grass, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”
Marge: Kids, why don’t you write a complaint letter? That’s how I got the Channel 6 weather girl to start wearing a bra.Homer: That was you?!Bart: A letter, huh? Okay Lis—get this down. Dear Randall Curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely...Lisa: I’ll write the letter.Homer: Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather!
-The Simpsons, on the crappy “Cosmic Wars” movie, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
Kids, while we’re out, the TV’s in charge. Go to bed when it says.
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
I’m in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldn’t listen to myself. I’m drunk!
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”
Why did I take so much punishment? Let’s just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
-Homer Simpson, “Behind the Laughter”
But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
-Jim Forbes, the narrator, “Behind the Laughter”
I was saving sugar for my wedding night!
-Todd Flanders, “The Fat and the Furriest”
See all that stuff in there, Homer? That’s why your robot never worked.
-Marge Simpson, on an Itchy robot, “Itchy and Scratchy Land”
Marge, can you set the oven to “cold”?
-Homer Simpson, after their refrigerator, being used as an air conditioner, burns out
Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked... Aww, come on, continue... C’mon, awwww... Alright, Lou, open fire.
-Chief Wiggum
I know Weinstein’s parents were upset, Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up, “Yom Kip-pur.”
-Principal Skinner
Marge: This house stinks! You’re not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?Homer: Do you have a better idea?
-The Simpsons, “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds”
Bart: You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.[The message is passed by about 10 people...]Guy: Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher!
-The Simpsons, “The PTA Disbands”
Homer: Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!Shelby’s Dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look!Homer: Stupider like a FOX!
-The Simpsons, “Lemon of Troy”
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”
Springfield will have its first annual “Do What You Feel” festival this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up. It will be a welcome change to our “Do As We Say” festival, started by German settlers in 1946.
-Kent Brockman, “Bart’s Inner Child”
Here are your messages. You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer the Smithers”
Bart: There’s a box you can sleep in. Just move that cot out of the way.Chester: Okay.Bart: Do you know what radon is?Chester: No.Bart: G’night.
-The Simpsons, “The Day Violence Died”
Mom, there’s a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad’s upstairs.
-Lisa Simpson, “The Day Violence Died”
Ms. Krabappel: “Embiggens”? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.Ms. Hoover: I don’t know why. It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Iconoclast”
Charles Bronson–like boy: Hey, ma. How about some cookies?Charles Bronson–like mom: No dice.Boy: This ain’t over.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”
Chief Wiggum: You know, it’s kinda ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.Lou: Makes you think, eh, chief?Chief Wiggum: Not really.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”
Bart: Come on, Chief, it was just a prank! Would some flatware make things right?Wiggum: Um, what does it say on my badge? “Cash bribes only”! Lets go.
-The Simpsons, “The Wandering Juvie”
Homer: Bart, son, do you want to play catch?Bart: No.Homer: Oh, when a boy doesn’t wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong!Abe: I’ll play catch with you, son!Homer: Get the hell out!
-The Simpsons
Todd: Are you jealous of brother Homer, Daddy?Flanders: Eh, maybe just a tad.Rod: I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses!
-The Simpsons, "'Tis the Fifteenth Season"
Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa's Rival"
Cecil: I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.Sideshow Bob: Well, obviously.
-The Simpsons, "Brother From Another Series"
Oh, pardon me, Santos—if that is your real name, Bart Simpson—but your phony credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants, and split.
-Comic Book Guy, "The Canine Mutiny"
[Reading] "Order by phone. 1-800..." Our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless...
-Bart Simpson, "The Canine Mutiny"
Remember when he ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
-Milhouse, on Santa's Little Helper, "The Canine Mutiny"
Willy: Yeah, I bought your little mutt.... And I 'ate him. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'. So I geeeve him to the churchBart: Ohhhh, you hate him so you gave him to the church?Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on the rug... You heard me!
-The Simpsons, "The Canine Mutiny"
Now, in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
-Krusty the Clown, "'Tis The Fifteenth Season"
Bum: Well, there are six schools of begging. Bad musician, messed up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zelot, and crazy guy. I think you would do well with crazy guy.Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! [gibberish]Bum: Wow, now, that is good crazy!
-The Simpsons, "Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore"
What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them—as is my understanding...
-Bart Simpson
Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?Marge: [voiceover] I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.Kang: Look behind you.[Marge looks, and Kang quickly uses a ray gun to beam something on her.]Kang: Insemination complete. [His helmet snaps back into place.]Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick.Kang: What are you implying?Marge: Nothing, nothing.
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror IX"
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?Principal Skinner: No, Mother!Agnes: You sissy!
-The Simpsons, "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"
English side ruined... Must use French instructions... "Le grill"?! What the hell is that?!
-Homer Simpson, "Mom and Pop Art"
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me—so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson
Fire can be our friend, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.
-Principal Skinner, "Brother's Little Helper"
Good morning, class. A certain agitator—for privacy's sake, lets call her "Lisa S."... No, that's too obvious. Uhh, let's say "L. Simpson"—has raised concerns about certain school policies...
-Principal Skinner, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup.Marge: Ahh, please pass your father the syrup, LisaLisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.Bart: You dunking your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy?Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.Marge: Tell him yourself; you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.Homer: Bart, go to your room!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church. Or synagogue...
-Mr. Burns, "The Old Man and the Lisa"
Hello, Vegas? Give me a hundred bucks on red.... D'oh! Oh, okay, I'll send you a check.
-Homer Simpson
Homer: Yes, son, you can have an electric guitar just like your old man.Bart: Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.Homer: Gig, son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.
-The Simpsons
Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life.
-The Simpsons, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"
Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
-Homer Simpson, "Team Homer"
Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked away down there.
-Homer Simpson, "The PTA Disbands"
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
-Homer Simpson, "Bart the Genius"
Homer: What do you think Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV And No Beer Make Homer... something something".Marge: "Go crazy"?Homer: Don't mind if I do! [insane gibberish]
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror V"
Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?Homer: Yeah, but faster!
-The Simpsons, "Homer to the Max"
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
-The Simpsons, "Burns' Heir"
I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice. See, there it is. But that was just a practice. The system works!
-Homer Simpson, "Little Big Mom"
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called..."The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down".
-Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Files"
The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... That was our planet! You maniacs!...You blew it up!... Damn you!... Damn you all to hell! [sobs]
-Homer Simpson, "Deep Space Homer"
Marge: I don't want you stalking people!Homer: Fine, have it your own way. Now, I'll be back in a minute. I'm...going outside...to...stalk...Lenny and Carl... D'oh!
-The Simpsons, "Homer the Great"
Skinner: You wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?
-The Simpsons, "The Crepes of Wrath"
Homer: Bart, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.Bart: That's okay, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
-The Simpsons, "Like Father Like Clown"
Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
-Bart Simpson, "The Day the Violence Died"
Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
-Bart Simpson, saying grace, "Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes On Every Fish"
Can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
-Chief Wiggum, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
A-B-C-D-E-F-G... [long pause] How I wonder what you are...
-Ralph Wiggum
Homer: D'oh!Lisa: A deer!Marge: A female deer!
-The Simpsons, "Bart Gets an Elephant"
Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.
-Marge Simpson, "Home Away From Homer"
Jebediah Springfield [in video]: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.Ms. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Iconoclast"